Forgiveness...

It is there, in fact, “in the depths of the heart,” that everything 

is bound and loosed. It is not in our power not to feel or to 

forget an offense; but the heart that offers itself to the Holy 

Spirit turns injury into compassion and purifies the memory 

in transforming the hurt into intercession." CCC #2843

Lent and I have a love/hate relationship these days.  It used to be fairly easy when it consisted of giving up candy, or my favorite TV show.  You know, real sacrifices.  I was always so proud of myself for going a whole 40 days without drinking Dr. Pepper, and for the growth in personal holiness that came along because of it.  But as I've gotten older, and my relationship with the Lord has gone deeper, my understanding of what Lent is really all about, has gone deeper too.  Lent isn't about my suffering, it's about Christ's.  Sure, the year that Lent coincided with Dave Matthews Band's new album coming out, and I had given up listening to them, I thought I had truly understood the pain of the cross.  But it's not about me.  What I've come to understand about Lent, is that the deeper meaning behind our sacrifices, however small or seemingly trivial, is a call for us to focus on our role in Christ's suffering.  Heavy stuff.  

I love Lent because it is a time of reflection that challenges me in ways that make me uncomfortable, and draws me into deeper holiness by calling me to journey through the most difficult of my struggles, into freedom.  That's a fancy way of saying it shows me what a mess I am.  And that's also why I hate it.  It's not Lent's fault of course.  I make my own mess, and I'm quite good at it.  Rather, Lent's job is to remind me that it's my mess that Jesus went to Calvary for, and Lent is quite good at that.  Sure, my sin and struggles are a year round event, but the focus on Jesus' suffering and death make for a nice reminder of the nails and wood my mess of a life provide for the slaughter.  

Oh, Lent...you sure know how to make a guy feel special.  But in reflecting upon all my specialness, my focus shifts to the reason for Lent, and the reason for the cross.  Forgiveness.  Talk about a struggle that makes me uncomfortable.  Christ died so that we could be redeemed, and our sins could be forgiven.  It's an intense reality to think about the fact that Jesus suffered and died to forgive the very sins that sent him willingly to the cross.  THAT my friends, is love.  But the more I reflect on the amazing victory of forgiveness found in the cross, the more I am forced to acknowledge my amazing failure to embrace forgiveness in my own life.

The lesson the Lord has been teaching me this Lent, is that forgiveness plays a powerful role in how we experience love, freedom, and joy in our lives.  I like to think of myself as a pretty easy going person.  I'm outgoing, easy to get along with.  But what I've been learning about myself these past few weeks, is that I'm also very...passionate, we'll say, when it comes to the truth.  When I am convicted about something, or really believe in, or stand for something, I'm a force to be reckoned with.  Another way to put it is, I'm stubborn.  Very, very stubborn.  This means I take things personally, and even when it might technically be justified, I let my emotions, hurt feelings, and pride take control of me.  I hold on to the injustice, and I use it, either as a shield, as a weapon, or both.  I feel good about that in the moment, but it never really satisfies the hurt I experience.  It just numbs it, and even if that numbness lasts for a while, at the end of the day, I haven't gotten to the root of anything, and I'm left again with my pain.

I've learned some hard lessons since Lent began this year, and the thing it has really showed me, is that holding onto the hurt, and holding on to the anger, is not only doing nothing to solve the problem, but it's actually doing more damage.  Imagine getting shot, and instead of going to the hospital, you spent your time talking about the shooter to other people behind their back, or showing people your bullet hole so they'd feel sorry for you.  Eventually, you would die, but it wouldn't even be because of the gun shot.  It would be because of your own inability to seek the healing you needed.  How many times do we do this in our lives?  We get hurt, and instead of seeking the Lord's healing, we try to protect ourselves, and in doing so, we hold onto it, and let is fester.  The sad truth, is that in doing this, in trying to defend ourselves, we become our own worst enemy

There's a great modern philosopher that speaks about forgiveness, and in my opinion really hits the nail on the head.  Her name is Mable Simmons, or you might know her by her more common title, Madea.  You know, she went to jail, had a family reunion.  Yep, that's the one.  She said, "You're walkin around holdin onto all that stuff, they sleepin at night...they got people dead in the grave, still got a hold on people walkin around this earth cause of something they did to them."  Wise words.  When we choose not to forgive, we let the actions of others determine how we live our lives.  How many of us walk through life using the ways that people have hurt us as an excuse for our own short comings and insecurities?  How many times do we put off our failures on other people, by blaming them for not doing enough to teach or help us?  When we do that, the injustice is no longer something they have done to us, but it becomes something we allow to be present in our life.  

The ultimate healing, the ultimate freedom, from all of that, is forgiveness. Like Madea reminds us, we give the power to our bondage when we choose not to forgive.  Christ chose forgiveness on the cross, and we were set free from our sin.  In the same way, when we choose forgiveness in our daily crosses, we are set free from the things that keep us from experiencing the love, the freedom, and the joy that God has for us.  If this Lent has taught me one thing, it's that I need to take back the power over my own heart, and to embrace the same forgiveness that Jesus did.  I need to stop living in the problem, get comfortable being uncomfortable, and learn to forgive.  Forgiveness is hard, but it's worth it, and the freedom we experience from embracing it will lead us to the fullness of love that Christ offers us.  

--Pat