Reflection On forgiveness from The Return of the Prodigal Son By: Henry Nouwen

 I have often said, “I forgive you,” but even as I said these words my heart remained angry and resentful. I still wanted to hear the story that tells me that I was right after all; I still wanted to hear apologies and excuses; I still wanted the satisfaction of receiving some praise in return – if only the praise for being so forgiving!
     But God’s forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life. It calls me to keep stepping over all my arguments that say forgiveness is unwise, unhealthy, and impractical. It challenges me to step over all my needs for gratitude and compliments. Finally, it demands of me that I step over that wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put a few conditions between me and the one whom I am asked to forgive

Give up and Give in

 Above all the grace and the gifts that Christ gives to his beloved is that of overcoming self. -- St Francis of Assisi 

I am writing in a spirit of gratitude! Why? well the fact is I have been struggling with a

pretty intense case of self-centeredness! I know that becoming a bit thankful gets me out of that funk.  Last night I found myself unable to sleep--probably for a multitude of reasons...but where I found myself was in prayer and pleading with the Lord. I still felt like a block or some sort of something that I could not break through! I don't remember the last time I felt like that! Anyway, what I realized this morning in prayer is that I have been trying to control so much and it led me to be more than selfish with my time and with God.  I did not want to do his will because i wanted to do mine--but these are the words I  heard "You take care of my business and I will take care of yours."--Words of Jesus to St Maragaret Mary.

I am sitting here worrying about this that and the other--having my hands in His business!

I was trying to control his will for me. Control timing, and how much I would give or not and everything. In my selfishness I found myself  attempting to play a half-ass roll in God's plan for me.  I was attempting to uproot myself where God has planted me.  I have never found it so hard to do his will before in terms of my job.  I knew I was in self-centeredness and ego world, because my heart did not feel open to serve--it just wanted to take...and there was a struggle of who I am called to be and who I use to be!!! 

So I had to let go of what I wanted and basically give up and give in to God.  Hope that all that he has planned is better than I could ever dream up for myself. Surrender is a difficult thing to get to but God always gets us to give in---I realized to it is not the surrender that hurts but the resistance to the surrender that hurts the most.

A couple things crossed my mind in prayer one was from the book a Grief Observed: "Lord are these your real terms? Can I meet H. again only if I learn to love you so much that I don't care whether I meet her or not."--CS Lewis --  Total surrender to God's will is what CS is expressing.  When I don't care which way the road goes--then I know I am truly in surrender.  when I can finally let go and use every opportunity to fall in love with God and stretch and grow so much even when it hurts! When I can see everything as a blessing knowing that it came to me for some reason!  The other thing that crossed my mind was the song, How he loves! The line that kept coming through in my mind is: "He is Jealous for me..." I asked my mom, I said, what does that even mean--she said Christine that means he is protective of you! And i thought, wow, that is love--His jealousy is love, great love--a love that means I am protecting you for something that I know that will be best and transform you into your best self.

Something else that came to mind that I thought I would share is this:I must embrace and accept as you will for me--what comes and goes along the path I walk is up to you. If i am alone as I walk, it is your will. If I am surrounded by many, it is your will. If I am aggravated w/everything and anything--you have allowed and willed it for me grow in virtue and greater love. You are the mirror of Love that I must reflect. 

That is it, it is all love! Love is the key and the answer--all this is about love! Love breaks us of who we think we are, so we can be who God wants us to be! Love is what tore the curtain in two in the temple, love is what shook the earth as He hung from the cross, love is what rises in our hearts when we learn to die. Love is why are here--we are here to learn to love from each other and from every event good and bad and from every person pleasant and annoying!!!

I know that I don't know--talk about a shattering of the will.  I love how God has to constantly remind me about how it is not about me...earth shattering news--but it's not about me..its about Him--its all about God and what He wants!!!

 I had to remember that I am not here for myself but as 1 Peter 1:9 states: As you attain the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. We are here to get home!!!

Vocation, Vocation, Vocation

At last I have found my vocation. In the heart of the Church, I will be Love!

-- St Therese of Lisieux

So I saw something that blew my mind today and  inspired me to write this entry.  I read about a woman who was recently married and how her husband found out that he has a certain type of cancer. The cancer is curable but nonetheless it is a cancer. It started to make me think of the hours, minutes, days, etc I think about or have thought about my vocation in this world. How fantastical in so many ways I have made it.  I have seen so many of my friends married and moving forward. I have seen so many friends enter convents and become priests. None of them ever turned around and said, "And because I have found my vocation, everything is perfect now." Not a chance.  That is what blew my mind this afternoon, that finding my vocation does not make my life complete, but finding my vocation is there to aid me in completing my life.

I began to think more about this couple and how when they got married they probably never saw this coming.  They never thought that there lives would be interrupted by such a devastating, heart stopping moment. Although there is a cure for it, it still is going to cause them to dig deep within themselves and draw love from places that they never knew existed! This interruption in the "plan" is going to cause them to suffer. It's crazy that is one thing we can't ever avoid.  We can avoid pleasure, but not pain.  In fact when we avoid pleasure it's painful. So what makes me think that when I enter into my vocation--everything will be perfect? I'm not sure, I think it is just the fact that I finally have the answer to an awfully big question.  

What does come with my vocation is suffering--why because to fully live my vocation, which will eventually lead me to heaven, I need to love. And to fully love anything, you will suffer! So what dawned on me is that when we enter our vocations we will suffer.  The difference is that when we suffer we suffer with another not that when we suffer now, Christ does not walk with us, but that when we suffer in our vocation we literally walk with other people in it.  We continue to walk our paths to heaven, but now our refinement is on a whole new level.  We are dying for another, so to live for the Lord.  We are sacrificing our happiness so that someone else can be happy.  We find ourselves, digging deep within ourselves to find the love to give to motivate our actions. 

So our vocation is to love; so our vocation is to suffer! yeah, that sounds about right. The cool thing is that when we love, the suffering ceases and its all love. We don't think about the pain, anymore when love is present and it is real. It's hard to believe that there is so much love that can cause all pain to cease and motivate me to desire anything, no matter the pain, just to sustain that love.

The story of the married couple I mentioned earlier also made me think of something else....yeah know why did God not make it possible for the man to know he had cancer before they got married? And then I thought, if they knew they may not have moved forward with this great love that they shared.  God knew that they would be a support to one another and that their love for each other was necessary for this suffering to be endured. So God allowed the marriage, knowing that he would also allow the cancer and the suffering.  He saw the fruit of what love would bring.  He saw the refinement in each one of their souls and he saw the bigger picture.  Knowing they would have to lean on him together to get through this suffering.  For as Antoine de Saint-Exupéry states, being in love does not mean looking at each other, but looking together in the same direction

So what is your vocation...well it's to love!! God will guide you to love as you are open to love! The story above may not necessarily sound appealing. In fact some people may think, well if love calls me to suffer more than I already do, then peace out--I do not want to love! Well at least I will not love to that extent.  The thing is though we are all called and have the capacity to love to that extent...we need only be open to such love. We need only say yes to God and his call for us to live out our vocations!!!

Love Changes Everything

 Never let anything so fill you with sorrow as to make you forget the joy of Christ risen. -- Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta


How blessed we are to know Christ. What a gift it is to live this faith! I think sometimes we forget how blessed we are. How we truly have the fullness of truth and yet how often we do not take advantage of what all that means.  I know that I can and I know I need to be reminded everyday! I likened the matter to a friend by saying, well when you have always been rich and no one taught you the value of a dollar, then well, how can you ever appreciate the gift of the riches of all that you have! 


I believe that we must be poor to be rich! Why? Because when we are poor we are dependent on something greater to tend to our needs.   Our hunger calls us to ask and so when we receive our hearts truly understand the meaning of gift!  I know for myself it is awesome when I receive a gift of any magnitude--big or small, where there is love there is gift!  


Sometimes we need God the most when we have the most stuff. The poor and lowly teach us a lot about what it means to be humble and what it means to love.  They understand love because they know that without love they would have nothing else. Love carries, it transforms and makes all things new. Love changes everything! 


An analogy that comes to mind that illustrates this point is when we are carrying stuff in our arms of all shapes, sizes and weights.  Someone comes over to embrace us or love us.  Well in that moment, the desire is there to want to reciprocate, but you can't move to do so--why? Because you have too many things in your arms and in the way to love.  These things can be material, emotional, or mental. Any which way you look at it, it hinders you from being fully alive in love.   


I think too about my own journey.  How come i know stuff about the faith etc and there are so many people out there who just have no clue.  Including those in my own family! Well the only thing that I can ever think of in terms of this topic is that God needs you to be a light and a soft hand  in a judgemental and resentful world.  The funny part is that God always allows you to heal or be around that which you were.  You become the example to the people that find it too hard to be where you are.  They find it too hard to take on the responsibility that love calls us too. 


Think about it--when you ask people to go to mass with you or adoration or what have you--why won't they? It is an hour of there lives, that according to them, they will not be effected by anyway! Something in them knows that what they are exposing to them is truth! So the sin and darkness in them cowars at the light and truth--so that one hour could call them out or make them feel the guilt they have numbed themselves to. 
People who are living in darkness know full well that they are not living there! That is why what they need is love and not judgement.  They don't need to know they are wrong, they just need to know that they are loved no matter the decisions that they choose to make.  They are not wrong, but the choices they make might be and that is a great big distinction. When we are living in the dark, we know we need the light and we already are beating up by the fact that we ourselves think we are wrong. The last thing the person living in darkness needs is a spotlight on their wrong--they need a heart filled with love that shines a light that softens their hearts slowly but surely to the Lord.


So we are called to love the sinner and hate the sin! Christ did and still does. He calls each one of us in our richness to give to the poor.  He calls each one of us to fully live out our baptism by loving all those that cross our paths. He reminds that we too were once poor and that the only riches that we have is in his love.  
So do we need to call people out, sometimes! Do we need to bring people Christ, all the time.  But in both circumstances let us remember that what we are not living fully and completely we cannot bring to anyone else. So if you call someone out make sure you have walked in there shoes or that plank is out of your eyes and when you bring people Christ make sure that you have died and he is risen within your heart. 


Love changes everything--judgement keeps people closed and isolated. Satan likes to make sure we stay in the judgement seat of others so that people never learn what love is or rather who love is.