Give up and Give in

 Above all the grace and the gifts that Christ gives to his beloved is that of overcoming self. -- St Francis of Assisi 

I am writing in a spirit of gratitude! Why? well the fact is I have been struggling with a

pretty intense case of self-centeredness! I know that becoming a bit thankful gets me out of that funk.  Last night I found myself unable to sleep--probably for a multitude of reasons...but where I found myself was in prayer and pleading with the Lord. I still felt like a block or some sort of something that I could not break through! I don't remember the last time I felt like that! Anyway, what I realized this morning in prayer is that I have been trying to control so much and it led me to be more than selfish with my time and with God.  I did not want to do his will because i wanted to do mine--but these are the words I  heard "You take care of my business and I will take care of yours."--Words of Jesus to St Maragaret Mary.

I am sitting here worrying about this that and the other--having my hands in His business!

I was trying to control his will for me. Control timing, and how much I would give or not and everything. In my selfishness I found myself  attempting to play a half-ass roll in God's plan for me.  I was attempting to uproot myself where God has planted me.  I have never found it so hard to do his will before in terms of my job.  I knew I was in self-centeredness and ego world, because my heart did not feel open to serve--it just wanted to take...and there was a struggle of who I am called to be and who I use to be!!! 

So I had to let go of what I wanted and basically give up and give in to God.  Hope that all that he has planned is better than I could ever dream up for myself. Surrender is a difficult thing to get to but God always gets us to give in---I realized to it is not the surrender that hurts but the resistance to the surrender that hurts the most.

A couple things crossed my mind in prayer one was from the book a Grief Observed: "Lord are these your real terms? Can I meet H. again only if I learn to love you so much that I don't care whether I meet her or not."--CS Lewis --  Total surrender to God's will is what CS is expressing.  When I don't care which way the road goes--then I know I am truly in surrender.  when I can finally let go and use every opportunity to fall in love with God and stretch and grow so much even when it hurts! When I can see everything as a blessing knowing that it came to me for some reason!  The other thing that crossed my mind was the song, How he loves! The line that kept coming through in my mind is: "He is Jealous for me..." I asked my mom, I said, what does that even mean--she said Christine that means he is protective of you! And i thought, wow, that is love--His jealousy is love, great love--a love that means I am protecting you for something that I know that will be best and transform you into your best self.

Something else that came to mind that I thought I would share is this:I must embrace and accept as you will for me--what comes and goes along the path I walk is up to you. If i am alone as I walk, it is your will. If I am surrounded by many, it is your will. If I am aggravated w/everything and anything--you have allowed and willed it for me grow in virtue and greater love. You are the mirror of Love that I must reflect. 

That is it, it is all love! Love is the key and the answer--all this is about love! Love breaks us of who we think we are, so we can be who God wants us to be! Love is what tore the curtain in two in the temple, love is what shook the earth as He hung from the cross, love is what rises in our hearts when we learn to die. Love is why are here--we are here to learn to love from each other and from every event good and bad and from every person pleasant and annoying!!!

I know that I don't know--talk about a shattering of the will.  I love how God has to constantly remind me about how it is not about me...earth shattering news--but it's not about me..its about Him--its all about God and what He wants!!!

 I had to remember that I am not here for myself but as 1 Peter 1:9 states: As you attain the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. We are here to get home!!!