You are worth more than these...

Hardship often prepares an ordinary person for an extraordinary destiny.  -- CS. Lewis

I often wonder why life has to hurt as it does.  I believe there is great joy in this world to be had and to be lived but I also believe that we must endure great suffering to get there. So why must life hurt even though there is so much joy? Well the obvious reason is we must suffer. True--we must struggle with monetary needs, we must endure the people around us, who are such virtue builders in our lives ;) -- we must suffer through the death of a loved one, a break up, and so much more. But in this entry I am deep calling to deep here and say that there is much more that we need to endure. That there is much suffering that takes place underneath and inside each one of us. 

My experience recently has lead me to see such suffering.  I had been angry for a while now and really not knowing why I was.  In fact I had no idea that I was so upset until it was brought out of me today.  I did not understand why life was going as it was and that honestly, as good as it was going I was still hurting inside. I was still trying to understand what I could not--"Why does God allow us to face such things when He knows that it is not good for us to be in the midst of it?" Now this can be understood in light of relationships--why am I amongst crappy people or why do the people I meet not people I need to date or be around? Also it can bring up, why does God put in a position at a job which is no good for me.  In other words-- why does God allow us to be where his perfect will is not?  It's an interesting question which I touched upon tonight in prayer.

As I prayed and cried out to God in understanding I heard the word healing--and I heard "the refiners fire" Joy can only be felt through knowing some sort of pain--when I say joy, i mean true joy, from the depths. I realized that we are allowed to walk outside the parameters of His perfect will so that we can find our way to it. It's as if all that stuff he doesn't want for us helps us heal and get to the core of who we are.  I believe that it makes real to others and ourselves and most especially makes us real before God. There is an old song that says "refiners fire, my hearts one desire, is to be holy, set apart for you Lord." Wow, that makes a whole lot more sense today then it ever did when I sang it a hundred times before.  To be set apart we must be refined in the fire -- if holiness and intimacy with Christ is what we long for then we most certainly need refinement.

The interesting part is that in the end it was all part of his perfect will for you! That his allowed will and perfect will worked side by side to get you to exactly where you are today--real before God. He does not want what you think you are--he wants what HE thinks you are to be what you see.  HE wants you to be you and nothing less.  I found that I kept hearing from scripture " you are worth more than these.." That is from Matthew 6:26: Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? 

So he has got me, whether I understand why life can hurt so much or not--he has me and knows what he is doing--for you are worth more than these and there is no need to worry only to be willing to accept the pain and endure the journey--for there is always joy and lots of it to be had--but there will always be refinement so that we can get to where he longs for us to be, heaven!!!

The Truth will set you free..

Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky


Truth is a beautiful thing! I was just thinking about its power and fierceness yesterday.
Truth has the ability to open the eyes of the blind and soft the hearts of the hardened! Truth is that which can and will penetrate the person because that is what it was made to do. You and I were made for the truth!


This is kind of a bold statement considering the amount of rationalizing, manipulating and lying that goes on in this world. It happens so often that truth does not seem real and what the world has distorted us to think is that truth is,  saving face, getting what I want at all costs and being the person that people want me to be.  The reality is that, that is the LIE- the truth is the very thing that unravels the manipulations, allows us to be real and also pushes us to be everything that we were made to be.  It also calls us to desire that in, not just the world around us, but then company we keep.  I know for myself, their is nothing harder then watching someone living in a false reality. Living in a way that you know denies the very person that they are. It is tough, and what is even tougher is having to be the light of that truth.  The truth is beautiful, but it hurts. It can hurt as bad as a slap in the face, because it surprises the one who has not been living in it and then stings -- It is exactly what you needed and nothing that you wanted.  


The Gospel this third Sunday of Lent spoke very much of truth--Now there were two gospels, Cycle A w/ the scrutinies and Cycle A-- I got the one with the scrutinies and that Gospel spoke of the woman at the well.  She was a woman living in shame--hence why she went to the well at noon, no one went there then because of the heat, so she could go with no worries of being called names or worse, being called out. So she went and Jesus met her there, as he does with all us in the midst of out lies and sins! He met her and spoke to her with not just mercy but firm justice.  He spoke truth to her, knowing that she then would have to make a choice to believe and drink of the living waters that He spoke of to her.  He brought her sin to the light, and gave her hope through his living waters.  Saying in many ways to her, "you don't have to live this way anymore, and you can have a new life if you want it...there is hope." 


Where there is truth there is hope to be found.  Whatever that truth that is given to you may be. I believe that the reason the truth sets us free is that it gives an opportunity to choose a simpler more life giving way.  I never, and no one ever said,  that way would be easy, but it is a chance to live in a genuine, authentic light.  A light that only Christ can provide for you and me. Christ came to die for us out of love for us and to bring that light of truth upon a dark and hopeless world.  He in many ways asks us to do the same with our lights,
  
You are the light of the world. A city set on a mountain cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket; it is set on a lampstand, where it gives light to all in the house. Just so, your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father. (Mt 5:14-16)


 We are called to be light in a darkened world..we are called to be Christ to others.  As we have received the gift of the truth in healing and forgiveness, we are in turn to go out and do the same. It is scary out there and shining your light is taking quite a risk, but:  if are God is for us, who can be against us. (Rom 8:31)

The key is the relationship with God. Nothing is really difficult when you have love and live in truth.  When you drink of the streams of the living water, you know that the truth you speak is not your own but of the one who has brought you to light.  Who has given you the ability to see such truth--we need to be Christ to others so that the world can be reached. 

Truth is a gift that we are given after being blinded, but I have found that I am even grateful for the times that I was blind to the truth because now I am a light bearer for that road for others.  I think of an image of a man on a dark road that carries a lamp--he is there to meet you in the darkness and that is what we are to be to others.  And we are to walk until they either reject the light or find there own! 

Truth is a hard pill to swallow, but is most medicine that works. It is potent and powerful but when taken allows the body freedom from the suffering that it may be carrying.  

It's funny to me that sometimes we are called to speak truth to others and they may not be showing signs or symptoms--some diseases are masked and or maybe in a latent stage.  Speak the truth and allow God to work through you.  We are only the carriers of the truth and are not the truth itself. 

God is truth, God is light and God is purely and simply love and love is above all what we strive for.  Love requires more than just feelings-- love calls us to die, love calls us to live and love call us always to new life!!! 

The Mountain Top

Give me all of you!!! I don't want so much of your time, so much of your talents and money, and so much of your work. I want YOU!!! ALL OF YOU!! I have not come to torment or frustrate the natural man or woman, but to KILL IT! No half measures will do. I don't want to only prune a branch here and a branch there; rather I want the whole tree out! Hand it over to me, the whole outfit, all of your desires, all of your wants and wishes and dreams. Turn them ALL over to me, give yourself to me and I will make of you a new self---in my image. Give me yourself and in exchange I will give you Myself. My will, shall become your will. My heart, shall become your heart. --C. S. Lewis

So i went to mass today and as the priest spoke of the readings in the homily he specifically spoke of the mountain top theme that was all over the readings. Abraham walking up the mountain to sacrifice his only son and Jesus taking Peter, James and John up the mountain top to see Him transfigure before them.

The interesting part was how Father showed how in both readings their was an experience of transfiguration on the mountain top. How when Abraham reached his destination he proceeded to do what he was told, God’s will, and in that moment was asked to stop and not take his son’s life.  So in his attempt to do what he understood God’s will to be for him, God stopped him only to bless him in his act of faith and in turn Abraham was transfigured by his experience. 

I think to myself, how hard it is to climb that mountain top at any point in time and how, and as Father put it, it is a test of trust.  

And as I climb I get so tired and frustrated wondering day in and day out, have I lost my mind to walk this road upward like this? Have I lost my mind to say yes to God and act in such a way that requires a certain amount of suffering? The answer is yes I have lost my mind and what I am asking God to do is slowly but surely help me see as he sees and love as he loves.  I cannot do that with my mind...I have to lose mine for his.  I have to give up what I know, for what he knows. I have have to die to myself and do what my heart is calling me to and not necessarily what I think feels good.  Feeling good, does not bring transfiguration--death to self and pushing through what is comfortable is what brings about change and strength.

I am sure that Abraham was not happy with what God was asking of him, but he knew that God was calling him to more and and he knew that God knew best.

Transfiguration, or transformation brings only new life in Him who is calling you to take that risk and die to what you know feels comfortable. 

This time of year can almost be a bit scary--I think, I let go of something that may or may not have a hold on me for 40 days, or rather I add something in my life that changes the way I live.  Both call us to change--a change I do not see the outcome of.  I think from the first moment that lent starts, and we make a forty day commitment, we are attempting to transform--we fall in our attempt, but so did Christ on his way up the mountain top.  He actually fell three times -- he knows that the way up is painful, trying and hard, but he knows that his grace is sufficient.  He knows that as he called upon his own Father in his anguish--we too are to call upon the Father in those moments where lent gets way to hard and the journey to our calvary is way more painful than expected.

Transformation is scary, but it is a process and I think lent does a pretty good job of gauging where we are at in our spiritual lives.  It gives a pretty good read on how we treat ourselves in these times when we fall.  I know for me, I use to beat myself up more, but the reality is, I am human and I am going to fall and I am not gonna get it right all the time--it is not about getting it right all the time, it is about getting it.  It makes me laugh that even in my sacrifices I am prideful, wanting to get it perfect and make this 40 days like there is a grade that I am shooting for, or at then end of the 40 days there is a pizza party or I am trying to attain gold stars or something. haha!! Not at all....we give things up and attempt to draw closer to Christ--heck it might be harder to add things onto your life, because making time for God is not the priority it needs to be. 

That is the point of lent--to draw closer to Christ--to walk with him this road to calvary--to attempt to feel with him, every lash of that whip and thorn from the crown and nail on the cross. The point is that we draw more intimately in relationship with Our Lord, so that nothing in this world will ever be a hindrance to that loving relationship--the only relationship that matters.

"What on earth is he up to?"

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself. --C. S. Lewis




This quote really struck a chord in me.  I thought, well God is like the most amazing and innovative architect you could imagine.  I find that in my own life lately, nothing seems like it is in its "right" place. I feel like someone has gone in and put everything where it wasn't and put some stuff in the trash....took some things out of the trash and unpacked some new boxes.  I feel like some wings have been added on and some stuff is being fixed and tweeked.  


All this is happening and at the same time, I am not too sure of what is going on. In fact the only thing that I can be assured of is that I am not in charge.  The question arises in me...why does God do the things that he does? Why can't everything be good for me? Why can't life just move at a pace that I can not only keep up with but perfect? Because of so many reasons, but the main one being, if we knew all that and God allowed all this perfection here on earth, we would never reach higher and go deeper within ourselves. We would never have a longing for heaven if we were living in it already and we would never get to be surprised if we knew the outcome of everything.


I have found in my own life that, God knows what he is doing!!! I know, right? crazy thoughts like that need to be censored! haha...but really God knows what he is doing and when something goes right instead of left and something goes down instead of up...there is a purpose.  It's funny, because I have heard it said and I say it myself--well, if I only knew the purpose I would feel better.  But would you? I find that timing is everything and that God leaves no stone unturned.  He loves us so much that he makes sure that we are ready to hear and understand the purpose.  We might not be able to accept it, but we can begin to hear it and heal from it and take it all in.  I have found that the truth will unfold itself in time! That God has a reason for withholding it.  I know that if I had heard some things too soon, my heart would have shattered even more than it was in that very moment. 


Why God are you doing all this house cleaning and rearranging right now, why can't you wait until I am ready--until I tell you where to move things etc.  Why can't all this house management that has to do with my house go one when I am ready? Well here's the thing, what makes you think you're not ready? What makes you think that you can't handle what is happening in the interior? God is moving and God is allowing--he knows what you can and cannot handle.  He made you and knows what is best. 


Now the interesting part of all of this is that he allows all of this so that we can reach out to him.  We can cultivate a relationship with him and as a trusted friend we can allow him to do what he needs to knowing that he has everything under control. But that takes time...so while he is rearranging the place, get to know him and reach out to him in all the confusions and the whys and the what's. Reach out to him and ask him to help you trust him so that you can be at peace with all that he is doing.  He will do it whether we want him to or not because the reality is that he wants us to grow and be the best version of ourselves.  The pain usually comes more in the resistance to God's will than in embracing it at all. So allow him to rebuild, reconstruct, remodel, heck build you up from the ground up--because the reality is and as I heard a great priest say in regards to Jesus building in us, "He was a carpenter, so he knows how to finish the job."